What Does My Child Need From Me During a Divorce?

Written by: Erica Hallmann, MSW, LSW

Divorce is hard. There’s really no way around that.  There are a lot of changes, a lot of emotions, and probably more questions than anyone expected.

As a therapist who works with children of all ages, I see firsthand how those changes can affect them. And one of the questions I hear from parents is: “What does my child need from me right now?”  

The good news is your child doesn’t need you to have everything figured out.  They don’t need you to make the divorce perfect.  They need to know they are loved, heard, and still have a safe place to be themselves.  

Here are three things that can make a big difference:

1. Let Them Have ALL the Feelings

Kids and teens can have a LOT of feelings during or after a divorce.  They can be sad, angry, frustrated, confused, relieved, excited, or all of those things in the same afternoon. Sometimes within the same five minutes. Some of those feelings may be hard for you to hear. In my work with kids, I often see how difficult it can be for parents when their child expresses anger, frustration or unhappiness about the divorce. Those feelings can bring up guilt, sadness, or even defensiveness in a parent. But your child needs a space where they can have their feelings without also having to manage yours.  

Their feelings are their feelings. They are allowed to have them. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, and you don’t have to accept inappropriate behavior. But, you can still say “I can see that you’re really angry,” or “it makes sense that you’re having a hard time with this.”  

Sometimes kids don’t need us to fix the feeling. They just need to know they’re allowed to have it.  

2. Give Them Some Control Back

One of the hardest parts of divorce for a child is realizing how little control they have over what is happening. There are big decisions being made by adults, and kids don’t always have a say.  That can leave them feeling frustrated, powerless, or like everything is happening to them. So, when you can, give them some of that control back. Let them pick their clothes. Give them a choice about dinner. “Do you want pasta or chicken tonight?” Let them choose which movie to watch or where to go on a walk.  

These might seem like small things, but small choices matter when so much feels out of their control. They might not get to decide the big things happening in their life, but they can still have a voice in the little things.  

3. Meet Them Where They Are

You don’t have to spend money or constantly plan special activities to show your child that they matter.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply be interested in what they’re already interested in.  

Have a teenager who loves video games? Let them teach you how to play, even if you’re terrible at it. Honestly, your inability to play might provide them with good entertainment.  

Play Legos. Color. Shoot hoops. Cook together. Watch their favorite show. Sit down and let them show you something they’re working on. In my work with children, I’m reminded over and over that connection doesn’t have to be complicated. Kids notice when we take an interest in their world.  

Your child needs to know: “I’m still important to you. You still want to spend time with me.” 

And Sometimes, They Need Someone Else in Their Corner

There’s nothing wrong with giving your child another safe person to talk to. A therapist can provide a space where they can express their feelings without worrying about hurting their parents’ feelings. They can ask questions, be sad, laugh, and work through changes happening in their life. Divorce is a big change, and it’s normal for kids and teens to have emotions and behaviors that may look different than they did before. Luckily, children are incredibly resilient. With support, connection and the opportunity to process what they are experiencing, most children can adjust well and move forward.  

If you’d like to learn more about helping your child through separation or divorce, the American Academy of Pediatrics has some helpful information for parents.

You Don’t Have to Navigate It Alone

There is no perfect way to navigate divorce.  If you’re noticing that your child is struggling with the changes, having big emotions, or simply seems like they could use some extra support, therapy can be a helpful place to start.  

At Counseling Works, we understand that every child and family is unique. Our goal is to provide a safe, supportive space where children can talk about what they’re experiencing, learn healthy ways to cope, and feel heard without judgment.  

If you think your child could benefit from some extra support, we’d love to help! Reach out to Counseling Works to learn more or schedule an appointment.

About the Author:

Erica Hallmann, MSW, LSW, helps children, teens, adults, and families navigate life’s big changes, including separation and divorce. Her seven-plus years supporting students in public schools taught her how change shows up in classrooms, at home, and in the everyday moments in between. Her approach is genuine, practical, and rooted in the belief that feeling truly heard is where meaningful change begins. She also specializes in ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, anxiety, and parenting challenges. As a mom of three teenage boys, Erica knows firsthand that family life rarely goes according to plan.