Written by Charlotte Greiwe, MA, LPC
The most draining part of transitioning isn’t always about dealing with open hostility; sometimes it’s managing the “well-meaning but confused” friend or relative who constantly misgender you, question your choices, and drain your patience – all with a smile and the sincere statement: “I’m trying.” It is invalidating to your identity, but you’re not allowed to get mad at them. Studies have shown that less than half of transgender and non-binary young people said that most people in their lives supported their pronouns (Pronoun Usage and Mental Health Impacts of Pronoun Respect in TGNB Young People, 2025).
As a therapist, I see clients who struggle with this third type of person. Dealing with these kinds of friends or relatives requires a shift in strategy: you aren’t fighting an enemy; you’re managing a well-meaning but slow-moving student. The goal is to set up consistent “speed bumps” that stop the momentum of the mistake without everything blowing up into an argument. Remember, tone is everything.Â
1. Setting Expectations
If you find yourself anxious before even arriving, send a low-pressure text a few hours before. This removes the “heat of the moment” tension.
An example text might be: “Hey! Really looking forward to Sunday dinner. Just a quick reminder to keep an eye on my pronouns today – it’s been a long week, and I really just want to relax and feel seen by you guys. See you at 6!”
If they reply with something like “We’re doing our best!” – you don’t need to over-explain. A simple “I know you are, and I appreciate it! See you in a bit!” keeps the vibe positive.
2. The Micro-Correction Script
When they use the wrong pronoun mid-sentence, the best approach is the micro-correction. Don’t wait for the end of the story; just drop the correct word and keep moving. You want to be quick and casual.
Parent: “And then she – I mean, he – went to the store and she…”
You: “He.” (Just the word, no lecture).
If they keep doing it: “Mom, I know you’re trying, but when you switch back and forth, it’s actually harder for me to follow the story. Let’s stick with he.”
Some may suggest using an air horn or a spray bottle every time someone uses an incorrect pronoun, but you’re more likely to aggravate your friend or relative than you are to change their behavior.
3. The Awkward Comment Pivot
When they say things like, “you just look so much more natural in your old clothes,” or “are you sure this isn’t just a phase?” – it’s important to be firm but kind.
The recommended response? “I know you’re probably still processing this because you care about me, but comments like that make me feel like a guest under inspection rather than your (relative/friend). I’d love to tell you about my new job/project/hobby instead.”
If the comments continue, feel free to simply redirect the conversation by offering to get refills on drinks or asking about someone else’s job.
4. The Inappropriate Comments Response
Sometimes, the awkward comment turns into an inappropriate comment, such as asking about surgeries or other medical concerns.
The response? “I know you’re curious because you care, but I’m keeping my medical/transition details private for now. I’d rather our time together be about us, not me as a patient. Let’s talk about something else!”
Setting limits isn’t about being secretive; it’s about deciding which parts of your life are ready for a public “Sunday dinner” discussion and which parts are private.
5. The Exit Strategy
Boundaries only work if there is a consequence. If the “confused” comments become hurtful or constant, you have to protect your peace.
The Warning: “I’ve corrected the pronouns a few times tonight and it’s starting to feel heavy. If it happens again, I think I’m going to head home early so I don’t leave here feeling frustrated with you.”
The Exit: “It seems like tonight is a bit of a struggle… I love you guys, but I’m going to head out now. Let’s try again next week when we can all be a bit more intentional.”
It’s easy to excuse this behavior because “well they’re trying.” And you are right, they are. It is okay to acknowledge their effort while still holding the line.Â
You can say: “I see that you’re trying, and I appreciate that. Part of that effort needs to be self-correction so the burden of teaching doesn’t always fall on me.”
Ultimately, you need to engage in self-care. Hopefully, these tips to maintain boundaries with your friends and relatives will help you take care of yourself. If you need more support for this subject or transitioning in general, our therapists are here to support you.
Resources: Pronoun Usage and Mental Health Impacts of Pronoun Respect in TGNB Young People (2025) The Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/research-briefs/pronoun-usage-and-mental-health-impacts-of-pronoun-respect-in-tgnb-young-people/
About the Author
As a queer, LGBTQ+ affirming therapist, Charlotte Greiwe, MA, LPC, brings her lived experience and understanding of the LGBTQ+ community into her work. She shows up authentically so clients feel safe to do the same, creating a space where they can explore identity, self-acceptance, and healing. Her trauma-informed approach helps clients unpack experiences that may have been minimized or misunderstood, while techniques from CBT, DBT, and mindfulness help calm anxiety and encourage meaningful growth.
