Written by: Navreet Heneghan, JD
During times of life transitions and changes, it can be hard to know what we truly want in any area of life. The information we have access to seems endless: what to eat, what to wear, what to do about a partner (or lack thereof), what to say or not say, and what career path to follow.
With this constant influx of information, it is easy to get lost in what others want for us rather than knowing what we want for ourselves. From this overwhelming position, we often lose our sense of self and stare blankly when a caring person asks: “What do YOU want?”
How We Forget What We Want
This process of losing ourselves and silencing our inner voice can start at any time. Young children often know exactly what they want, like shouting, “I DON’T WANT TO WEAR A COAT!” to an adult who knows it’s freezing outside. If that child is allowed to step outside in a T-shirt for a moment, they might realize they do want the coat. This small opportunity can actually strengthen their inner knowing.
However, if a child is continually told what to do, they may eventually lose trust in that inner voice.
- Adolescents might lose touch with their desires by constantly checking in with others, whether in person or via social media—to decide what to wear or how to think.
- Adults might defer to others to “go with the flow,” be easy to get along with, or keep the peace.
- Caregivers often lose sight of their own needs while prioritizing the care of others
Signs We’ve Forgotten Ourselves
One indication that you’ve lost touch with your desires is the “blank wall” effect. When asked what they want, many people respond by:
- Stating what a partner or child wants.
- Explaining what they “should” be doing.
- Remaining silent because fear prevents them from speaking their truth.
In a safe, therapeutic space, a counselor may gently reflect this question back to you, encouraging exploration. For many, therapy is the first time they have ever been asked to prioritize their own perspective.
Figuring Out What We Want
There are simple tools to help you get comfortable with this question and reconnect with your true self. One accessible method is to practice on the small things:
- Identify a specific food you truly want at a certain time.
- Identify a piece of clothing or jewelry you feel like wearing.
Initially, it doesn’t even matter if you eat the food or wear the item. The goal of the exercise is simply to give yourself permission to identify the desire. Over time, this skill can be applied to much larger areas of life.
Take the Next Step
If you are ready to stop staring at the “blank wall” and start reconnecting with your own voice, Navreet Heneghan and our team are here to help. Whether you are navigating a major life transition, processing grief, or exploring your identity, we provide a safe space to find your own solutions. Connect with us today!
About the Author
Navreet Heneghan, JD, is a Counseling Associate who intimately understands how life transitions, grief, and the loss of purpose can make us lose touch with our inner voice. Based in Naperville, Navreet works with clients navigating the complexities of women’s issues, race and social justice concerns, and identity.
