Written by: Amanda Grzeslo, MA, CADC
Humans are, by design, social creatures. This makes communication a fundamental feature of our operating systems. At its core, communication is simply data exchange. The goal is straightforward: How do I transfer information from my brain to yours with minimal degradation?
The human brain is an incredibly adaptable, specialized machine. It establishes and maintains programs to ensure our primary function: survival. Consequently, our internal software is programmed to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. Over time, the way we think (the software) actually shapes our neural connections (the hardware).
The Logic Loop in STEM and Communication
In my work with individuals and couples, particularly those in STEM careers, I see a heavy reliance on logic and rationalization. My world is full of engineers and analytical thinkers. This might seem odd for someone who majored in English and Psychology (and actively avoided high school physics), but I’ve realized it isn’t a matter of incompatible systems.
It’s simply a matter of adapting systems to account for variables that were previously overlooked.
When Systems Talk Past Each Other
In couples counseling, I often see partners “talking past” one another. On the surface, it looks like the same conversation. Beneath the surface, the data sets are completely different.
This is incredibly frustrating. You’re doing your best to convey the facts. You’re providing the “what” and the “why.” Data exchanged, right? Not quite.
For many, especially those socialized to repress emotion or those trained to prioritize quantifiable facts, emotions feel like “noise.” If your internal program is designed to avoid pain or inefficiency, it makes sense to prune out this seemingly unproductive data. Logic appears to be the most efficient parameter: strip away the feelings, deliver the facts.
Emotions: The “Missing Data” in Your Software
The problem? Human beings are complex machines by design. Emotions are not a bug; they are a feature.
While qualitative data (feelings) is less precise than quantitative data (facts), it is equally valuable. Real understanding cannot occur until this data is acknowledged and processed. If you are ignoring the emotional state of yourself or your partner, you are operating with an incomplete data set.
Facts to consider:
- Emotions are not barriers to communication; they are communication.
- Feelings are “hard facts” about your internal state.
- A breakdown in data exchange is often just a failure to account for emotional variables.
Whether it’s your own emotions or those of the person you’re trying to reach, they play a necessary function in the program. To optimize your relationships, you don’t need to overwrite your logic—you just need to update your software to include all the available data.
About the Author:
Amanda Grzeslo, MA, CADC, is one of our therapists at Counseling Works who supports individuals and couples in navigating the complexities of trauma, relationships, and life transitions. Drawing from her background in narrative therapy and a deep appreciation for the analytical mind, Amanda helps clients “update their internal software” by integrating logic with emotional data. She is dedicated to helping people in high-pressure fields bridge the gap between facts and feelings to create more functional, connected lives.
