How often do you witness couples in public together but not really present with another – instead, both partners are sitting in a shared space but consumed in their phones? Many people can be guilty of this, both in public and private. So much of our life is attached to our phones, it is hard to create balance and healthy boundaries.
Relationship researchers have identified a behavior called “phubbing” – snubbing someone in favor of your phone. A study published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior found that partner phone use during interactions was associated with greater relationship conflict and lower relationship satisfaction (Roberts & David, 2016).
Feeling lonely while together is an epidemic that the increased dependence on cell phones is creating. Since cell phones are not going away, creating some boundaries in your relationship regarding technology use can help couples stay connected in meaningful ways.
Some strategies that can be used to help couples navigate appropriate cell phones include:
1. Create intentional phone-free times.
Discussing boundaries and specific phone free times can be beneficial. Certain times, during dinner or right before bed, can be agreed upon as a time for intentional connection. Without planning or discussing this, this boundary may not be established and the phone will continue to get more attention that your partner next to you.
2. Explore and notice bids for attention
Couples therapist John Gottman discusses how couples often make bids for attention: these are small attempts daily to connect with your partner. These can look like asking a question, sharing a story about your day, or asking for help with something. Occasionally, these bids can even be seen on a cell phone, such as tagging a partner in something meaningful or showing your partner something on your phone. These bids are often overlooked; however, a quick moment to look up and engage with your partner will help the connection stay strong between couples.
How partners respond to these small moments matters greatly. Research from the Gottman Institute found that couples who remained married turned toward each other’s bids for connection about 86% of the time, while couples who later divorced turned toward these bids only about 33% of the time.
Turning toward a partner’s bid might be as simple as putting the phone down, making eye contact, and engaging in the conversation.
3. If you can beat them (cell phones), join ‘em…
Technology can sometimes create distance in relationships, but it can also be used intentionally to strengthen connection. Apps like Paired offer daily questions and short exercises that help couples check in with each other and spark meaningful conversations.
Similarly, Gottman Card Decks, based on the research of John Gottman and Julie Gottman, provides conversation prompts and activities that help couples practice skills such as listening, expressing appreciation, and deepening understanding.
These tools can also be helpful between therapy sessions, allowing couples to continue practicing communication and connection in their everyday interactions.
Connection between couples can be hindered by attention being pulled elsewhere from many directions-housework, hobbies, children, and technology. Often, couples have talks about how to balance most other distractions in their lives. Since cell phone use isn’t going away, discussions will help create some structure. By creating healthy boundaries around cell phone use, noticing and responding to bids for attention, and using technology intentionally to connect, couples can work to strengthen and protect their relationship. Connection grows in the quiet moments when we choose each other over the noise around us.
If technology is creating distance in your relationship, couples counseling can help partners reconnect and create healthier communication patterns.
Source:
Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale Books.
Roberts, J. A., & David, M. E. (2016). My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior, 54, 134–141.
About the Author
Kelli Majka, PEL, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor who works with individuals and couples on communication, connection, and relationship growth. She will be joining Counseling Works in June 2026. To schedule a session with Kelli or another therapist at Counseling Works, please contact the practice.
